What is self love? Well sometimes I like to think I know, but most of the time it turns out I am spewing out inspirational stuff that I, myself need to listen to. Isn’t that the way though? We can help others see what they are missing but can’t see what they are mirroring in us.
I had a day this past week where the universe and the people in my life were showing me how much I wasn’t addressing my own self love.
My day started with some dreams that were pretty creepy. I journaled about them and allowed my intuition to tell me what they meant. The first of the two dreams basically represented me hurting myself, knowing I could do something about it and actively choosing to do nothing. Therefore, I was choosing to stay in the hurt. My second dream was about me addressing the anger that I also recently realized I was harboring in me.
In a meditation, one of my spirit/guardian creatures showed up. I have this beautiful red dragon who comes and gives me different messages. On this particular day she was wrapped around my left leg, digging her claws in and biting me. My natural thought was what the fuck?! Why on earth is she doing that? I also journaled about this and it turns out she was frustrated with me for not taking any action on my self love and anger issues I was having.
I had been putting off trying to find a therapist to go and talk to. Apparently, I was passed due according to my dreams, meditation and dragon.
Right after calling the therapist I broke my rose quartz bracelet. (Rose quartz is a crystal about self love). Then later in the day my Mom came and talked to me and called bullshit on me taking care of myself. She basically said I put on a good front for social media, but she didn’t actually believe that I was taking care of myself. This coming from her was hard because she is someone who really needs to work on self love and now that I think about it so does my Nana. Maybe it’s a familial issue?
In saying all of this, I have also been interviewing some wonderful women for the podcast and I have heard a couple of times that these women make sure that they are the exact same person that they portray on social media. They are also super honest with their audience. I like to think that that is what I have been doing as well but I have realized that I prefer to come on and share my stuff when I am feeling good, excited, inspired or passionate about a certain topic so that I can help to bring something positive to you guys. This is a real version of me; most definitely, however this is not always me.
Like I said I have been struggling with my own self love issues but apparently burying it down. I have been trying to heal myself by healing and helping others. I have been taking baths and trying to sleep when my body needs it. I try to read self help books or fantastical stories that are stimulating. Listen to audio books, and inspiring podcasts. Move my body to keep myself fit and healthy.
But here is where I have been needing more work. I am not eating properly, at least not what I would consider healthy. A lot of premade type meals. Not a lot of fresh, from scratch meals. I really enjoy cooking and so when I don’t take the time to make a quick, easy and fresh meal like I know I am capable of, I am not taking care of myself. I am quite literally depriving myself of a task that I enjoy as well as depriving my body of the food I really want to be putting in it.
My quality of sleep isn’t good. I have had a hard time falling asleep at night which wasn’t a problem before. The biggest issue I am having is regarding my relationships. I am staying stoic and silent in two major parts of my life; with my family and at work. There are a lot of things that I don’t like about family stuff that has been going on and the same at work. At home I keep to myself and try not to let anyone else’s energy bother me. At work I am easily frustrated with the people and tend to again go in on myself, so I don’t have to deal with the bullshit and negative energy.
Here is the problem with all of this. As a person who’s number one love language is quality time, this is probably the worst thing I could do for myself. I enjoy people, I like being in a community, feeling a part of a community, feeling like I have people I can talk to, a tribe that will support me. Isolating myself gives me none of that. It also doesn’t help me learn how to deal with any of these situations or make any progress. It allows feelings to fester, emotional blockages to occur, anger and hurt for not feeling heard, understood, or loved to start to simmer.
I am not properly taking care of myself. And that is where I am at right now. A step in the right direction is that I have now been made aware of it and I think that is the takeaway I would like you to have. Take a good hard look at yourself, how are your emotions? What is setting you off? Is there something that seems to be consistently happening? Ask someone close to you to be honest and tell you what they see in you right now.
I had a lady I met in a workshop tell me after an exercise we did that she was able to see anger and hurt in me. She had known me for a couple of hours. People from the outside can see a lot more than you think. But if you let them, they can help you at bare minimum become more self aware.